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Don't Rock the Boat: reality TV that's harrowing, dystopian and fascinating

Twelve celebs, including Tom Watson and Jodie Kidd, row the length of Britain in a show that has the perfect mix of silliness and suffering

Freddie Flintoff is standing at the top of a cliff commanding Shaun from The Chase to run down it face-forward. Jack Fincham from Love Island shivers with fear. Sometimes, reality TV can jump over the blade-thin line from “bombastic TV set-piece” to “harrowing vision of a dystopian Britain”, and at many points, Don’t Rock the Boat (Monday, 9pm, ITV) does exactly that. Am I really watching Jodie Kidd row to Ullapool while Craig Charles both cacks himself and vomits? I am, and it’s fascinating.

Before I explain the broad structure of Don’t Rock the Boat, I would like to take a moment to ask ITV’s producers to reach out to me and inform me of the exact names, dosages and source of whatever black market stimulants they are taking, because this is the kind of idea I have after I drop a Jägermeister into a glass of wine so hard I can see through time: 12 celebrities, locked together in a Covid bubble, row in teams for three weeks from St Ives to the northern tip of Scotland. Freddie Flintoff and AJ Odudu host.

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